The digital detox thing is going amazing. I'm 13 days in -- almost halfway -- and each day is only getting easier than the last.
The thing that always made me revisit YouTube and break my streak was KATSEYE. Thankfully, their newest release is absolute dogshit. The choreo starts off with aggressive ass-shaking, with buckets more of exaggerated hip-swinging and butt-slapping stuffed into its two and a half minutes. Every second was gooner bait, in my opinion.[1][2]
I'm sure I'd fancy Hooti Frutti if I continued to tune in. KATSEYE (and I suppose other groups under HYBE) do that really well. The song itself can be trash; it's the performance, styling, brand deals, interviews and other content posted during the era that give you a feeling of awe and "iconicness" you end up associating with the song.[3] However, that also means a song's lifetime ends when it stops getting promotional material. Many just don't have enough artistic value to stand on their own.
Zooming out from that, though, things have been super "meh". Probably worse than that. I don't know if this is just a general, common experience or not (it likely is), but I'm just so confused and tense all the time. Do I know what I know? Do I not know what I don't know? Do I know anything?
College started on the 27th of last month. Eight hours each day is criminal for something that provides so little education. I'm still going to have cover the entire syllabus for each subject on my own, at least once. How the fuck am I meant to do that after 3PM?[4] I do get an hour or two of free time at college, but then I have to choose between tarnishing my social life by isolating myself and studying, or trailing behind the other girls in class and laughing at their jokes. The former means my A-Levels will be easier to get through, but the latter should make college more bearable since I'll have peeple around me who I'm familiar with and won't be alone.
Probably going to have to go with the former, whether I like it or not. Nowadays, everything seems so scary and pointless and sad. My entire life is slowly devolving into studying and staring at either a textbook or the Anki review screen. Is there anything worth living for, other than a promise for a paradise that I can't even certainly say exists? Life at home isn't very fun either. Everyone's so grouchy and irritable and impatient. One wrong move or slip of the tongue and now everyone's pissed, scattered into different rooms and scrolling either Facebook, Pinterest or YouTube.
I want to make things better. I want people to like and be happy with me. I can do it, but it's so hard trying to do everything right. Every right step I take makes a wrong one look even more dreadful and dooming. I don't want to be anxious and tense all the time, but I also don't want to be stubbornly careless and ignorant. I want to be a good daughter, sister and friend, but I don't want to compromise on myself and what I think is right just to please others. I don't know how much I need to do, or how much I need to let go and allow things to happen on their own. What if I do it all wrong?
It's all so drainingly difficult. I don't know what to do next.
[1] Yoonchae's also been getting more lines and screen time, as of recent. I liked her parts in Animal best.
[2]: The other tracks on the EP were okay. Hooti Frutti and Pinky Up were the gimmicky, "hyperpop" tracks that got people clicking and talking. That Way and Bel Air were your bland, unremarkable romantic songs, That Way having some sexual undertones. I like Animal, even if it's just as flavourless.
[3]: The song's only job is to be catchy and get stuck in your head, so that you don't forget about KATSEYE (for example) and keep coming back. I hope that, one day, the songwriters behind KATSEYE find a way to do this that isn't repeating two words in monotone over and over. It almost seems like a hypnosis tactic (and, in a way, it likely is).
[4]: I also have to find time for writing and reviewing flashcards, if I want any of that learning to stick. Not to mention practise exams.